Starting off today on the right foot <hopefully> I bought a redbull last night so I'm gonna start off with that this morning. I'll be bringing my green tea (hot and cold) to work so I should sip on that durin the day. I have class tonight so my excuse for not eating dinner will be great :)

well i gave in. i did awesome up until lunch when my boyfriend asked me to meet up. he never has the same lunch as me, so i had to go bc i wanted to see him! we got mcdonalds. i usually pig out but i stuck to 4 nuggets and a med. fry. not too bad. i didnt feel full after :)

then i had half a bagel at 4 along with some cheese doodles. blah. but i feel hungry. which is good. not full. i did a quick 100 abs to get that goin...we'll see how it goes

Hey. today hasn't been a great day, actually the last 2 weeks or so I;ve been feeling CRAZY anxiety towards my body again. 2 years ago I was horrible with it and I was so happy whenI finally reached my goal of 115. Then finding out I was 111 the last time I was at the doctor made me almost cry. I was so happy. I've been eating like a gross beast lately. I can't say no! ugh. I tried the liquid fast yesterday. I was doing AWESOME until dinner rolled around. I made myself an ellios pizza, then my mom made a fried chicken salad, whichI had 2 huge helpings of then a piece of bread! UGH I wanted to just die right there. 

I hate this feeling I get towards my body. I mean people always compliment how skinny I am and whatever but lately I just DONT FEEL IT. Noone understands. I look in the mirror and see this fat blob looking at me. MY heart starts to race and I  start to sweat. I want to cry and scream at the same time. I feel hopeless. 

I am a teacher, and I babysit 3- 5 everyday so by the time I get home to work out, my moms home. She hates when I'm on the treadmill and goes thru all this bullshit about not eating and working out too much. Fuck it. I need to find a time when shes not home to work out. I have a big trip coming up in 2 months and I NEED NEED to look good for it. 

I want to look perfect. Skinny. Weightless. I have to do something.

Today was the WORST for food. I had 

B - instant breakfast, 3 french toast sticks
L - grandma slice of pizza and a pepparoni roll ( i ate until I could burst...I hateeeeeeeeeeeee that)
Snack - like a million doritos and salsa. I wanna throw up all over the place. ughhhh 

My love handles are killing me. I feel so bloated and fat and just GROSS. I am getting my period soon, but still. I have to wear sweats to school tonight. I hate this feeling more than anything.

I need to be at least 108 before I go on this trip. I need someones support we need to stay strong.

<3 

It would be cool to have someone be my support / diet / fasting whatever buddy, maybe someone with the same goals as me....

I am 5'4
HW: 132
LW: 111
CW: 118
GW : 108 by May 1 2008